The view from home

Helen Hill swore her children would never go to boarding school. Now that they have both enjoyed “a slice of heaven”, she has valuable advice – and reassurance – for other parents

When I tell people that both my children are at boarding school, they tend to react in one of three ways: a) they’re horrified b) they think I’m a bad parent or c) they’re secretly envious that I’ve been “home alone” ten years earlier than most. I remember standing on the edge of a preparatory school cricket pitch 17 years ago in glorious sunshine and saying to my then fiancé: “Lovely place but I would NEVER send my children to boarding school!”

13 years on, my then nine-year-old son attended that same school and was joined by his sister three years later. My children have never considered themselves “sent away” - the choice of boarding school was a family decision that would never have been as successful without their involvement throughout. Both have enjoyed a slice of heaven away from the London day school life they had previously experienced and none of us has a single regret.

Don’t get me wrong, boarding isn’t perfect and there are upsides and downsides to children being educated away from home. But the boarding schools you see today are generally progressive, dynamic organisations with a flexible approach to achieving clearly-defined goals. Like parents, head teachers focus not only on learning but also on ensuring that the children have a broad range of experiences in a happy, healthy environment.

Boarding schools have, by and large, kept the finest things from their history and left behind those aspects that produced the many boarding myths. Corporal punishment and primitive conditions are consigned to history but good food, fresh air and keeping busy are, thankfully, still priorities.

The advantages of preparatory school boarding are many and varied – lots of friends around, fantastic facilities and often stunning grounds, masses of outdoor activities and sport, generally smaller class sizes and a family atmosphere. Children learn to be independent, in a safe and caring environment and many, like mine, relished the freedom of being away from the restraints of home life (mum can’t nag you about your homework, the state of your room or remind you that the laundry basket exists for a reason!).

My children are also the first to admit that they have learned a lot about themselves at boarding school – it has taught them how to cope with tricky situations when they and others are tired, stressed or emotional. They learn how to avoid conflict as well as how to help resolve it, what to admire in others and what to ignore. They acquire life skills and inner strengths that will hopefully last a lifetime and see them through the toughest of times ahead.

But not everyone is suited to boarding. Some children simply cannot settle away from home and as a family you have to make much more of an effort to get together and ensure siblings see as much of each other as possible. Sometimes parents live a long way from the school – if they are overseas, that greater distance can cause a whole raft of problems on its own. Some children hate the lack of privacy and the personal proximity induced by the dormitory system. As a parent, it’s expensive, life-changing (no daily school runs but twice weekly matches all over the country) and of course, you miss them dreadfully.

Moving from a preparatory school environment to the big wide world of a senior school is a whole new ball-game for everyone. Making the right choice of the next school depends on your child, his likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, talents, hopes and ambitions. His current head teacher has an invaluable contribution to make here. He or she will know the senior schools well and be able to advise you as to whether or not your child will “fit”. It may be obvious but, as with most big decisions, listening to all sides in order to make an informed, measured choice is usually the best way.

In recent years most of the top public schools have competed to offer the finest facilities in every subject – musical, sporting, theatrical, artistic. If your child has particular talents that these facilities will support, those same facilities will undoubtedly play a bigger role in your decision. But do find out how much opportunity children have to use those millions of pounds worth of fabulous facilities.

The child who succeeds at preparatory school with apparent ease may find it hard to settle in a “sink or swim” environment at his next school. At 13 and in his last year at prep school, he’s on top of the world: the younger pupils look up to him; he may be in a position of responsibility; teachers treat him as a young adult. At 13 in his first year at senior school, he is essentially bottom of the pile, he is a boy surrounded by grown-ups and he feels invisible. This new school may have its own bizarre language; faces, systems, rules and culture are all different. It can be intimidating, alien and alarming. As one pupil commented: “If you are homesick, you need to give things at least a term. Lots of people get homesick and some are brilliant at hiding it. Sign up for lots of activities, keep busy and if you aren’t happy you have to talk to someone about it – go to your housemaster or mistress. You need to be able to take a bit of banter from others to get through day to day life and be prepared for it to take time to really settle. If you are absolutely miserable, you feel it’s more than just homesickness and it lasts well into your second term, then you should probably question whether or not you are in the right place.”

Finding his feet, venturing forward and starting all over again with friends and new ways of doing things is no easy task. With perseverance and the right support from school and home, he’ll be just fine. To us as parents, it seems that every other pupil looks to be having a wonderful time whilst ours may be wobbling. Don’t be fooled! Moving schools is a daunting business to all of them and many will have tearful moments behind closed doors despite the bravado in front of others.

At the end of the day, choosing a boarding school is a matter of choice; every child is different, every family unique. I just want, like every parent, to look back when my children leave school and say “I am so proud of my kids, they learnt such a lot, made some fantastic friends and had fun too”. Who could ask for more?

Tips for parents
Choosing a school:

• Do your research. Check out your short-listed schools on the internet, ask for a prospectus and always visit if you can. Talk to friends, family and any other contacts with links to the schools.
• Be absolutely clear about what is right for your child and what you are looking for – is it smaller classes, academic prowess, more sport, drama and music or lots of friends?
• When you visit your chosen schools, prepare a list of questions in advance and make sure you ask – it’s often a current pupil showing you the ropes so they should be able to tell you everything!
• Look at the pupils and staff, not just the facilities. If pupils seem happy, a little scruffy and having fun, chances are it’s a great school (beware immaculate pupils and tidy locker rooms!)
• Check whether boarding means full boarding or weekly boarding. Schools that are empty at weekends may be unsuitable both for your child and your family life!
• The Boarding Schools Association website (www.boarding.org.uk) has lots of advice and some really useful publications for parents and pupils including some written by pupils themselves.

Once your child is boarding:
If you speak to your child on the phone and he or she sounds sad, always be cheery and upbeat – they often just need to hear your voice and “check in” to home life. Invariably they’ll hang up and happily dash off to some fun-filled activity leaving you distraught on the other end!

Respect the school rules – imagine living with hundreds of young people in your home and not having any parameters. If a prep school says “no sweets” there’s a good reason for it and they deserve your support – you’ve got loads of opportunity to spoil your children rotten when they come home!

Trust the school, the head and the staff. There’s probably nothing they haven’t seen, heard or dealt with over the years. If you are worried, talk to them. If the problem persists, go and see them – every school will have its own system of communicating and problem solving but save your energy for the “big” issues. The small ones tend to resolve themselves and you’ll be taken more seriously if you don’t call every day.